The Upward Spiral

I’m not sure what to feel about new year. I just hope I would be able to do something. Continue to experience & explore new things & places. I can’t stand monotonous life. It’s just not for me. It makes me feel awkward mentally.  For me life is kinda stop when I stop exploring. I’m still exploring in a way but in a different way. More like exploring knowledge & myself through books & countless articles. Getting more knowledge of any kinds give me sort of satisfaction. I never really realize that knowledge is really that powerful. Previously all I know is that, u need knowledge to pass the exam & that’s it. Talk about Malaysian education system failure at its finest.

Anyway as I wrote in my previous blog entries, I had mention that I’m still trying to figure out a way to prevent depression recurrent. I can’t say that I found it yet but I think I sort of found some ways to deal with it. I read this book called “The Upward Spiral: Using Neuroscience to Reverse the Cou…

My life at 32

Well I'm not yet 32 but I'm going to be 32 soon. Yup I'm a Leo. An introvert Leo to be precise.
I can't believe that I'm already in my 30's.
I feel like my life passing me by too fast.
I feel like I'm not ready for a lot of things. At your 30's most of your friends already get married & having kids but I feel like it's not something for me... yet. I don't even like kids to be honest nor do I have motherly nature. Not at all. I'm still my selfish self. I don't even like to spend money on people. Being a minimalist by nature doesn't help.

I guess a lot of people don't understand. But I will not make anyone understand because it's just me being myself. I don't have to live my life the way people wanted me to. I just want to be happy & have peace in myself. Anything else doesn't matter that much. Well of course some people will or already judge me for being like this. But to get rid of all those negativity, I just take things with a pinch of salt.

Being an introvert makes things difficult because people will thought that u are a snob or something but I found peace when I don't have to deal or concern about  people too much. I think this one year (August 2016 - August 2017)  is one of the most peaceful time of my life.
Looking back. I don't want to change anything if I were given a chance. Oh maybe I will change one area which is  the course that I took in the University  lol.
Of course I have changed a little bit throughout this 10 years or so. I was pretty naive back then & I have no confidence at all. But life has change me to be quite the opposite. But a lil bit too much on the naive part because I'm very skeptical about everything nowadays.

I stop dying my hair, have less interest in trendy clothes & stop wearing makeup. I feel more comfortable keeping things natural. I even start using natural skincare lol. I think I really start living in my 30's. I feel good about it. I would love to age gracefully :) That would be my aim.

I had depression before & I hate myself at that time. I tend to do reckless thing that end up making me hate myself more. I didn't even realized that I was depressed at that time. I think most people didn't realized that they are depressed when it's just started. Depression feels like u are trapped in a deep hole & u are trying to climb up to see the sunshine again. Now I love myself more. I try my best to take care of myself because I only have me to take care of myself. I calm my mind, I get rid of negativity, I get rid of unnecessary people, I eat healthy food & train myself to be positive each day. It's not an easy journey but it's worth it.

People always thought that once u hit 30 & above u need to achieve something in ur life. Like having a good stable career, having a family, a house & all those shit.  For me, achievement is quite subjective for different people. It's not about external things for me, it is what's inside. Let's say if I achieved all of those  things that I mention above, I can't guarantee that I will be happy. I will probably feel trapped in those things. I think most people feel trapped but they won't admit it. But it's none of my business anyway.

Anyway if u are looking for some inspirational movie to watch, I recommend this movie called 'A Street Cat Named Bob'. It is based on a best selling book & it is a true story. I watch it yesterday & I really love it! It's about a drug addict who do busking to survive & there was this cat who  came into his life & indirectly gave  him courage to be out of drug addiction. I have to admit that I cried a little watching this lol. It's a simple story but the emotions are real. I got to say that the actor Luke Treadaways play his role as James Bowen brilliantly. How does it feels like to be homeless? How does it feels like when u are invisible to the  society ? How does it feel like to get out of drug addiction? How does it feels like to make people accept u again? This is the type of movies that makes u think. I even discuss about living paycheck to paycheck in the U.K & about drug addiction with my friend after watching this lol. But I think not many people want to watch some meaningful stories. The mainstream media keep on feeding us with meaningless superheroes movies & Malaysian film & drama are the worst though. Feeding us with the same cliche love story. I guess that's why Malaysian mentality never changed.


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