Depression in silence

#Disclaimer: I am already free from depression. This post is regarding my reflection on how I feel and what was my thoughts during my depression episode last year and years before that

Yesterday Jonghyun from Shinee had died due to depression. He committed suicide.
I was a fan of Shinee many years ago when I was so into all this kpop stuff. But at my age now, kpop is not relevant to me anymore. I'm more into soul RnB and classical music now.
Back to Jonghyun. I was shocked when I read the news about him passing. I thought it was just a hoax. I was wrong. He was really gone. A few of celebrities had committed suicide but i never feel sad except for Jonghyun. I have to admit a few little tears came out. Perhaps because I used to be their fan when I was so crazy about Kpop. They were my favorite band beside Infinite at that time. And because I know how depression feels like. But not to the point that I want to commit suicide though. I'm glad it didn't reach to that point. It just that I was in a low mood all the time, got irritated easily, I hate myself & everyone, I got headache often and fatigue and tired all the time. Because of the low mood, I developed a habit that can temporarily makes me happy which was a reckless thing to do. It is almost similar with self harm but using different method.

From the list above listed on this book "The Mindful Way through Depression: Freeing Yourself from Chronic Unhappiness", I had more than half of this thought during my depression episode. Which include:

1. I'm no good
2. Why I can't ever success
3. No one understand me
4. I've let people down
5. I wish I were a better person
6. I'm so weak
7. My life not going the way i want it to
8. I'm disappointed in myself
9. What's wrong with me?
10. I wish I were somewhere else
11. I can't get things together
12. I hate myself
13. I'm worthless
14. I'm a loser
15. My life is a mess
16. I feel so helpless
17. Something has to change
18. There must be something wrong with me
19. I can't finish anything
20. I can't get started


I think many people didn't talk openly about depression because we are not keen to face possible reaction from the listener.  The best people who I think can respond properly to this issue is those who had gone through depression and the professional. The rest of of the people will bring more damage.

In Jonghyun final letter, the people or doctor ask him to change his attitude (way of thinking) which is actually a bad thing to say. It makes him, me or us feel more worthless and dysfunctional.
People told me the same thing too, they told me to change my attitude because I was too negative. I became negative because I was depressed. This bring me further down to the black hole. People start to talk behind my back & isolate me because I was being 'weird'.

I think some people are confused about feeling stressed and depressed. Depressed is a longer episode of feeling sadness and worthless. It takes month or years in my case or even forever. It feels like u are being trapped in a hole and u feel helpless because u can't find a way on how to be free from that hole.

Often "normal' people ask me to be more positive. For normal people they can overcome difficulties without too much effort. But for depressed people it required a mountain of effort. The last thing I or us want to hear is from other people who don't understand or pretend to understand, is "be positive!' We have tried.  But it just didn't work.

I am depression free now because I leave toxic people, toxic things, toxic place and toxic food. It was a long journey for me to be honest. Now, I mostly spend my times reading non-fiction books and articles on various subject that I love, and coloring. It brings me satisfaction & makes me feel good about myself in a way. Some hobbies are actually good for your mental health. I'm still trying to figure out how to maintain my "normal' way of thinking because like the rest of us, we know that there are possibility that it will come back and we want to equip ourself to overcome difficulties in the future.

Important notes to everyone: 
Free yourself of hatred. It is also important to be good to other people and respect them.  Don't talk bad about other people. You have no idea how much it will effect them.